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Awaking Terrified, Falling into The Calm

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[For those that for some reason keep visiting this poem: Without serious revisions to clarify some reasoning, I will just add, I don’t so often talk about the pain and grief. I think it’s better that way. It helps us stay optimistic and make positive changes]

This is something that I started in the middle of the night –last night.  Waking up terrified and then working it out for a few minutes on my computer:

 

Have I traded hard work and suffering for suffering and hard work?  If I could be doing what I want to – I wouldn’t even care….But the Risk!!!   I have left the construction industry to chase the big dream: graduate school, poetry and a better world for all.

 

I mean my yearly income is about to be cut in half… or worse…

 

Am I nuts?

 

For what: A shot at creating some freaking sanity, and looking into moral values?  Ease suffering in the world?  Yes all of that.

 

I have felt secure in the moment.  What happens when the rug comes out?  I fall into the abyss and bring my family with me?

 

I am not a heretic.  Maybe I am an idealist, a hopeless romantic – At times even a radical, religious thinker?

 

Where is my place in this world?  Yes the most obvious to me: Father, with family, but Healer?  Leader?  Trade worker?  A good percentage of the time, my experience tells me:  I am connected to an understanding that a lot of people in this world ignore OR don’t care to know at all.  These experiences, this connection-  Studying art, spirituality + psychology (whatever you want to call it):  It seems useless and fabricated to some.  To me, it is necessarily divine and transcendental.  Ha!!!  Art?  Perception is in the eye of the beholder.

 

How do I put this to work, pragmatically and efficiently?

 

What will people say?

 

The hidden job-market:  in this case – the buried, locked-up and extremely rare job market.  Am I the guy for the job???  There is that doctor at a famous university that said flat out: a PhD should be within my reach.

 

I get it.  While my goals are quite serious:  They are quite lofty, and quite difficult to achieve.  I didn’t entirely choose these goals on my own.  In many ways, they have chosen me.  So what?

 

 

The writing below has added up over the last while. The obligatory poetry… Sorry to drag it out.  I want to share this, even if it faces epic judgement.  It is another conversation with rhythm.

 

The Calm

 

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

The future is so elusive,

Forever waiting, it seems so blurry,

You know that it’s absolute, right?

Just take your shot…

 

Charge me for what I have not received yet,

So certain and so positive,

You insist on getting payment up front,

So distant and affirmative,

I’ll get what I want,

 

Today, I’m up – Really sucks to be down,

Left so dead, and moaning,

Lost my head, and beaten,

Still the sun rises…

 

Roll over, to kill the alarm,

Rock down, here comes the storm,

Jump up to answer the phone,

Get down, if you’re all alone,

 

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

The future is an illusion,

Forever chasing, but it’s never here,

You will know it when the truth comes,

Just don’t’ miss it…

 

Trudging, crawling, and grasping at the chance,

Creatures below reflecting stars,

And that’s just how it turns into a dance,

Lightning, CRASH!!! A downpour begins,

And it numbs the fear,

 

Rhythm overtakes those that are shaking,

Burned right up with fever,

Wake all night, sweat it out,

Soon the sun rises….

 

Step up, to be so well known,

Get down, if you’re all alone,

Roll over to conform to the norm,

Rock back down, and find the storm,

 

See a bridge, leading up into the sky,

Hostile but attainable, we can make it if we try,

Surely I can get there, with a little sacrifice,

The future is certain, but there’s always a big price,

 

Not that all my thoughts are so foreboding –

Top of a mountain, expecting nothing,

Now my thoughts are careening, corroding,

The fact is: joy and pain can make you sing,

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

The true future may be waiting,

Forever taking what it just might need,

You’re only sure when you get there,

It’s just a balance…

 

Jump up, to reach all the heights,

Get down, who killed the lights?

Roll over if you can still stay warm,

Rock hard, to charge into the storm….

 

Hold on tight,

To what’s inside,

Hold on tight,

To your insight,

 

Fluorescent whites of their eyes –
I see their surprise –
Did you bring the supplies?

The emotions inside,

Insight, choice…

She has more beauty than the sun on the wings of birds as they fly in the sunrise or the sunset,

As it plays in the morning dew in the cobwebs, or dances with the ripples in the waves in the sea at the day’s end,

All day long a glowing presence,

And a clear sky at night, perfection wove in the cloak of glittering stars, and reflected in the lonesome moon,

A meticulous purveyor of good attitude,

And thought that I should follow you,

And thought that I should follow you…

 

When you find there is more than one way up,

Take a breath – then go take another look…

Repeat.

Creative nourishment,

No question:  Wonder,

Torn asunder,

Blasting down lightning and thunder,

Crashing like a storm,

Sinking like a cloud,

Buried, as in the fog,

Awakening as the sun burns through,

 

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

Elusive but still waiting there,

The chance is certain, just so absolute,

In real-time the storm never ends,

We charge into the future

Genetics in poetry

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I am taking a course on genetics right now.  I think the following poem uses the vocabulary fairly accurately.  One question is about when polymerase forms.  Actually the couplet was reversed initially, so that the polymerase is present before the dividing of dna strands, but the accuracy of the poem as it sits may be debatable.

Very interesting studies…

Scientists are working hard to solve problems that have come down from our ancient ancestors.  Genetics can often provide ways of dealing with diseases that may affect us.  Of course much of the very specific behaviour and characteristics of our being is defined by genetics… in some cases: it is the main reason for attributes.  The same holds true in mental health.  The ways that we respond to stress and mental health issues can always be connected to genetics in some way.  It is the way we deal with our genetic make-up that can really help us with these given traits.  For example, by eating well, exercising, not abusing substances, sleeping well and practicing relaxation techniques – we can balance out problems that may arise from our genetics.

 

Genetic Advances

What is the energy that binds us all together?

Chemical electricity – Static through all weather?

Is it some kind of gravity that chains us to this rock?

Emotion can be binding, if molecules could talk!

 

Sometimes it can be- how much a pair really tolerates,

The answer could lie in the resulting polymerase,

Cause and effect that broke off one of the loose strands,

In dimmer days I had to think that it’s all been planned,

 

Out of the nucleus and into the space between,

Having learned exactly how it worked at the last scene,

Nucleotides times three in this clever biology,

To be tried by the ribosome to provide what we need,

 

The precision in this mystery creates proteins,

That keeps us moving, adapting – it can be so clean,

Sometimes along the way, reproduction changes it all,

X-linked, complex, autosomal – drastic starts out so small,

 

A rumour voiced so simple can turn so complicated,

With time science learns how this can be anticipated,

New found poise can allow us to prepare for the worst,

Mutant choice, no longer is necessarily cursed,

 

No easy answer can be expected in this case,

I would think that there is no need to have to save face,

People working on stronger solutions every day,

In an endless reaction, we make it work this way

 

 

 

Chance favours the prepared mind

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Creating chance means being prepared.  Sometimes when we are not vigilant or unaware we can miss a great chance.  Sometimes we let our guard down and bad luck creeps in.  There always seems to be a lesson for us.  Maybe at that moment that we thought we really lost an opportunity:  We actually permitted another opportunity… something equally rewarding or better.   Everything happens for a reason.  Being ready to seize the moment, yet stay relaxed can pay off.

It is good to stay optimistic.  Being prepared this way enables good luck.  To me it seems that somehow – optimism turns the odds in our favour-  sometimes just slightly…. at other times: immensely.  A relaxed, confident state of mind can open doors…. often by starting a good conversation, and creating energy to make things happen.

Think things through,

Feel free-flowing energy: emerging, enabling,

Permitting, persuading, persevering,

Curing, creating, kind and calculated chance:

chores and challenges achieved.

Creating Chance

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I want to Explode- I missed another chance… 

I cannot survive- to risk passing more plans…

The wait until tomorrow could never end,

Holding on for the next beautiful God-send, 

 

Fallen between the cracks and crevasses,

Sand quickly drifting into the darkness,

Through my hands,

Underneath of my feet,

Unknown ever again, far below the path I walk on,

 

Chance – within a moment: so clearly divine,

Yet the moment before you chose to resign,

Meeting a person that may make your world spin,

In respite, you decide the ways you can win,

 

One word is spoken, but misunderstood,

Forever changing the way it will go,

Through our minds,

Unseeing our context,

Understood by each of us – in a new and unique way,

 

Meaning and moments invisible to one,

Clouded, yet now we share the bright brilliant sun,

Goals that can occupy one person’s lifetime,

Wait one more fickle moment for just the right line,

 

Great events occur that affect us each,

There is no mistaking the powerful,

Through our goals,

Unreal thoughts may outstretch,

Unimaginable: a world without a complex mind,

 

Extending that key word into precision,

Attention: focus that defines our vision,

Goals that must be realistically defined,

In hobbies or pastimes – fine to get behind,

 

In precious building blocks of who we are,

It pays to be careful, yet risk on a star,

Through clear eyes,

Untold sights may appear,

Unexpected change occurs – be aware you’re creating

Flower Child

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A long time ago, I came up with the idea that love should be kind of an even thing.  Everyone deserves some.   Do we have the capacity to love our enemies?  Conceptually?

This kind of hippie consideration might make it easier for people to get along – even compromise.  Maybe then, in one home: disagreements, yelling, irrational insults and even divorce could unravel with the consideration for basic humanity: respect.

How can it help?  Well it goes to show.  Even if a couple may split up – a simple respect that involves effort and endurance, may make the aftermath a lot less messy.

You can’t love everyone like they are your best friend, or your soul mate, but you can love everyone, such that you treat them with the respect of humanity.  If that care for the human condition is cradled and admitted to, it can persist to stop battles – or at least reduce casualties.

I am trying to love you,

Don’t you have the time?

Are you locked in social convention?

As the clock is quickly dying?

I see someone trying to love me,

But I just don’t have the time,

I am burning up each single moment,

Still I yearn for what is mine,

Everybody needs someone,

Even if it’s just their self,

Economy and social battle fronts,

Prevent many from sacred wealth,

I am trying to love you,

Don’t you have the time?

Is that simple thought too sick for you?

Or is it healthy in your mind?

 

leepic 056

Painting: Lee Matuga

Scenery Figures in Time

Buntzen Lake

The form of the beach is so finely determined,

The criss-cross of shoe treads looking like bird prints,

Even the far shore is alive with colour,

Lying fog more apparent on the other –

Side,

The channel right between where the mountains meet,

The hydro station past the green, buried deep,

These bright creations converge near the pavement,

As human nature wades in on the ancient –

Wild,

A strong tree grows from the hundred-year-old stump,

Some fishing boats troll for trout near the pump,

Engineering feats are often in these years,

World view that’s secluded – to me seems quite clear –

Now!

Planes above, dimensions are on level ground,

Beach view, city view – won’t change my reaction,

Bad mood, or good mood is where my action’s found,

It’s the natural social-species question,

Right?

How do we keep things from falling all over?

It’s what we receive from the environment,

We need confidence to keep it all rolling,

Strategies to handle what’s inside our head –

Right,

Everything around us has an effect,

If this lake of water has so much power,

It will change in time with the way we reflect,

As it has changed my time in the last hour,

Hey!

Right…

Right?

Now!

Wild side~

I had a chance to go to my ‘sanctuary’ today.  I need that time to think.  It is also calming for me to write, so before I made all my plans for work and chores, I took a bit of time to write the poem above.  You can actually hike way up into the mountains here.  There’s waterfalls – both natural, and part of the hydro system.  Up at the top – it feels more pristine, but the lake and beach are still inspiring and beautiful. B.C. eh?

The Concept of Sanctuary in Modern Society?

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I have really been busy.  I am working hard to make progress to find a job that I have the training for, and in the meantime, while that’s not happening too quick: to make a job transition into something that actually suits me.  I had an interview with a previous employer today.  I would like the job, but I think we both have mixed feelings.  I hope to find employment that I can not only make money at, but also pursue my goals in education, psychology and mental health.  This would be opposed to finding the same types of work in construction that I have often hated over the last 10+ years.  Big problem with such a transition is: construction (as an electrician), tends to pay pretty well, whereas work in mental health and of course being a student does not pay well.  I have a family.

 

My views about compassion, honesty and psychology tend to be shut down at every corner – especially in construction.  How is it that helping people cope and find wellness will put me deeper in debt?  Why are these jobs – that often are very involved and in extremely high demand today – so poorly paying??

 

ANYWAYS, I saw a really cool poem the other day on this blog site regarding ‘sanctum sanctorum’, which I had just been reading about.  For that matter, I brought the idea of ‘sanctuary’ up in a class that day.  The question in our discussion was ‘What is something that everyone really wants (i.e. to help with mental wellness)?’  I say: ‘sanctuary’.

 

The poem below is from a collection that I have sent out.  The line: ‘Don’t tell me about your desires’ is not directed towards the audience.  Rather it is similar to what the job system and the looming part of society (that might not always be so compassionate)  might say to me.  I’m not complaining about all the individuals that make up society.  I am referring to the system that we are often a part of.  Some of us can rise above, or at least make a niche.  Sometimes we are forced to work on the front lines.   I’m not intentionally comparing myself to a soldier here (That is a position that I have the utmost respect).  The front-line also discusses some blue collar work – and for that matter: any difficult work.   I would offer my views to anyone that it could help.

People are busting themselves up to make ends meet (All inclusive).  I do put my body on the line.  Whine for the day: we have to deal with: Asbestos, dangerous voltages, fiberglass, toxic dust, working at heights, sharp, dirty and toxic materials often everywhere.  Boohoo for me.  Some have it a lot worse.  What I am trying to get at is ways to reduce stress.  If we cannot reduce stress, because we are being hounded and forced to get work done without consideration for mental health, without necessary relax-time and appropriate social treatment – then there is something wrong with the system.   I do have some ideas of how to fair well in this system, but they may not always work.  Mindfulness and developing realistic confidence can help.  Meditation is a way to escape for a while.

This is what I think a lot of us desire:  some form of escape and…. sanctuary.   Sometimes I think that our answers to this quest are unhealthy, partly because of the confines of “the system.”  Often drugs or alcohol are seen as the only escape.   I work and sometimes succeed in finding sanctuary in some places and some states of mind.  Not to say that I don’t have drinks, but I always remember ‘moderation’ and set guidelines like:  just a couple, no earlier than afternoon and not every day.  I would like to think I take a healthy approach.  If I can help others do the same and promote mental stability and wellness – this should also be a rewarding job.  Is this idealistic and ego-centric?  I don’t think so….

This poem does NOT really fit in to describe strategies in mental health, but it does describe how some of us may feel (in our need for sanctuary) and in some relationships.  It might just be way out there, in my personal collection.  I would not include this poem as a therapeutic tool.  Rather it is more for discussion that some of you may appreciate.  I would think that the poem is just a few crazy thoughts that some people can relate to.

 

Sanctuary

 

Every day I have rays of sunshine,

Rain

 

Blissful thoughts

Comforting spots

I want now

To take it all in

 

Deception and correction

Your truth

What it used to be

Changed when I asked

For the truth

 

Take it all in

The meaning and underlying truth

But what it seems to be

Might not be real

I need proof

Now

 

I want proof

Rigid construction

Of reality

Partial prescription

Of sensibility

 

Sometimes derailed

By psychedelic spires

 

Don’t tell me about

Your desires

Everybody wants their

Own perception

 

 

I am not sure just how aptly titled the poem is, but the closing line “Everybody wants their own perception” describes to me, the fact that many of us do really want that sacred personal space, where what we think and perceive is our own, or at least willingly, freely shared.

Sacred Spot

Image

A Look-Out in Nature:  Perceptions – Free of Stigma and Economy’s Social Trials

When there is absolutely nothing better to do,

I read a book, few of ancient eyes ever knew,

Why sit passively writing past the end of days’ view,

The sky stretched across the city, the snapshot stays true,

The bright shining sphere lights up every page outside,

No one has seen this before – the day’s light has never lied,

This moment waited forever until now to be tried,

Vision reels with the core view – the stigma why I cried,

My perception is not seen, by anyone but me,

Injustice of a few things, are hard for them to see,

With righteous eyes opening, connecting is a key,

My cognition is grinding until the day I’m free,

Yesterday had good hours, now – maybe today too,

Have to keep the world spinning, when worries may seem few,

One moment of comfort falters, and that is one sure cue,

Proving complex points of view, can really take you through,

You see nothing that I claim – my writing seems a bore,

Last verse there’s a challenge that you really can’t ignore,

Just like the convenience you bought from the closest store,

The package seems the same as every one before,

**

After long hours, I reflect on the day…

**

When there is absolutely nothing better to do,

I may seek dark hues aged-fine to help me make it through,

I may play on fields of grass if I start to feel so blue,

The absolute strongest way to live, just known by me and you:

Just to stare at the sky across the country that is bright but grey,

The white clouds have drifted beyond the trees where I lay,

Fly wings, fly – chase distant dreams overlapping the day,

Flocks of birds pass by above, spinning high as I pray,

Eagle circling my prayer of love, shadowed in the seas,

Salty schools of fish spied, I sit in the tops of trees,

Then up to the mountains, where the ancient waters freeze,

Just below, scenic plateau, there is a telling breeze,

The look-out, hidden from economy’s social trials,

My face is not well-known, but is seen by all the miles,

The evolution of this place, the inner ghost it riles,

Nature laughs among itself, the true free-thinker smiles,

As I stop to think, really summon my spirit thought,

I gaze far and wide- imagine each secluded plot,

What will this environment dictate, What else has been taught?

Where, when and how can I rise in life,

as to this sacred spot?

 

I wrote this today about a hike yesterday…. There are a few other meanings involved.  Feel free to ask.

Scientific Dreams

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Hi there.  I wanted to put in a more inspired poem, before I put away my blogging keyboard for a few days.  I wrote this today.  I have recorded a vocal track for it, and will be working on the guitar track this evening.  I hope you enjoy.  I am picturing blues/folk/hard rock.

I’ve got to roll

And I’ve got a soul

And I can’t believe it all anymore

Got to get round

Can’t get down

And I can’t believe it all anymore

Believe in the soul and you will find out all it’s worth,

Found out what it means today – an absolute rebirth,

Believe in the soul and you will find out what it means,

We are all connected in the universal screens, Yup

Chorus:

I’ve got to roll now,

I’ve got a soul now,

And I can believe now that I am up,

Got to get round now,

I can’t get down now,

And I can believe now that I am up,

Wake up into the soul and find out all it’s worth,

Found out what it means awaken an absolute rebirth,

Believing in the soul, yah, and find out what it means,

We are all connected in the scientific dreams, Yah

Chasing the action

That’s just a fraction

Of what is going on at the other side

Now I think it’s true

I’m connected to you

Everything, every one – right inside

(chorus)

dreaming

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IMG_2780 (2)

Just a last minute thought for the day.

 

Dreaming…

Blue in the face,

From yelling and screaming,

Can anyone hear what I’ve been dreaming?

My eyes are watering from staring at the sun,

The most perfect of circles has caught me undone,

First there is one,

Now there are eight globes streaming,

Can anyone see what I’ve been dreaming?

My body is shaking and its hard to find sleep,

The hill I’ve been climbing is forever steep,

Where is the top?

I look up as angels are teaming,

Can anyone feel what I’ve been dreaming?

I can taste the grit and smell the road’s dirt,

I made a fortune and then lost my shirt,

Not far to go…

The morning fog begins steaming,

Can anyone tell what I’ve been dreaming?