Awaking Terrified, Falling into The Calm

This is something that I started in the middle of the night –last night.  Waking up terrified and then working it out for a few minutes on my computer:

 

Have I traded hard work and suffering for suffering and hard work?  If I could be doing what I want to – I wouldn’t even care….But the Risk!!!   I have left the construction industry to chase the big dream: graduate school, poetry and a better world for all.

 

I mean my yearly income is about to be cut in half… or worse…

 

Am I nuts?

 

For what: A shot at creating some freaking sanity, and looking into moral values?  Ease suffering in the world?  Yes all of that.

 

I have felt secure in the moment.  What happens when the rug comes out?  I fall into the abyss and bring my family with me?

 

I am not a heretic.  Maybe I am an idealist, a hopeless romantic – At times even a radical, religious thinker?

 

Where is my place in this world?  Yes the most obvious to me: Father, with family, but Healer?  Leader?  Trade worker?  A good percentage of the time, my experience tells me:  I am connected to an understanding that a lot of people in this world ignore OR don’t care to know at all.  These experiences, this connection-  Studying art, spirituality + psychology (whatever you want to call it):  It seems useless and fabricated to some.  To me, it is necessarily divine and transcendental.  Ha!!!  Art?  Perception is in the eye of the beholder.

 

How do I put this to work, pragmatically and efficiently?

 

What will people say?

 

The hidden job-market:  in this case – the buried, locked-up and extremely rare job market.  Am I the guy for the job???  There is that doctor at a famous university that said flat out: a PhD should be within my reach.

 

I get it.  While my goals are quite serious:  They are quite lofty, and quite difficult to achieve.  I didn’t entirely choose these goals on my own.  In many ways, they have chosen me.  So what?

 

 

The writing below has added up over the last while. The obligatory poetry… Sorry to drag it out.  I want to share this, even if it faces epic judgement.  It is another conversation with rhythm.

 

The Calm

 

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

The future is so elusive,

Forever waiting, it seems so blurry,

You know that it’s absolute, right?

Just take your shot…

 

Charge me for what I have not received yet,

So certain and so positive,

You insist on getting payment up front,

So distant and affirmative,

I’ll get what I want,

 

Today, I’m up – Really sucks to be down,

Left so dead, and moaning,

Lost my head, and beaten,

Still the sun rises…

 

Roll over, to kill the alarm,

Rock down, here comes the storm,

Jump up to answer the phone,

Get down, if you’re all alone,

 

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

The future is an illusion,

Forever chasing, but it’s never here,

You will know it when the truth comes,

Just don’t’ miss it…

 

Trudging, crawling, and grasping at the chance,

Creatures below reflecting stars,

And that’s just how it turns into a dance,

Lightning, CRASH!!! A downpour begins,

And it numbs the fear,

 

Rhythm overtakes those that are shaking,

Burned right up with fever,

Wake all night, sweat it out,

Soon the sun rises….

 

Step up, to be so well known,

Get down, if you’re all alone,

Roll over to conform to the norm,

Rock back down, and find the storm,

 

See a bridge, leading up into the sky,

Hostile but attainable, we can make it if we try,

Surely I can get there, with a little sacrifice,

The future is certain, but there’s always a big price,

 

Not that all my thoughts are so foreboding –

Top of a mountain, expecting nothing,

Now my thoughts are careening, corroding,

The fact is: joy and pain can make you sing,

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

The true future may be waiting,

Forever taking what it just might need,

You’re only sure when you get there,

It’s just a balance…

 

Jump up, to reach all the heights,

Get down, who killed the lights?

Roll over if you can still stay warm,

Rock hard, to charge into the storm….

 

Hold on tight,

To what’s inside,

Hold on tight,

To your insight,

 

Fluorescent whites of their eyes –
I see their surprise –
Did you bring the supplies?

The emotions inside,

Insight, choice…

She has more beauty than the sun on the wings of birds as they fly in the sunrise or the sun set,

As it plays in the morning dew in the cobwebs, or dances with the ripples in the waves in the sea at the day’s end,

All day long a glowing presence,

And a clear sky at night, perfection wove in the cloak of glittering stars, and reflected in the lonesome moon,

A meticulous purveyor of good attitude,

And thought that I should follow you,

And thought that I should follow you…

 

When you find there is more than one way up,

Take a breath – then go take another look…

Repeat.

Creative nourishment,

No question:  Wonder,

Torn asunder,

Blasting down lightning and thunder,

Crashing like a storm,

Sinking like a cloud,

Buried, as in the fog,

Awakening as the sun burns through,

 

I’m celebrating the things that might be,

Elusive but still waiting there,

The chance is certain, just so absolute,

In real-time the storm never ends,

We charge into the future

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